Día de San Valentín

Wow, it's been more than a year since I started this blog. The first official post was here in http://counterdots.blogspot.com/2009/02/towards-valentines.html just a bit over a year ago.

It feels much more than that, more like two years.

And what an interesting coincidence that it's Saint Valentine's Day today, well maybe not a coincidence.
Maybe it's just Single Awareness Day.
Ugghh here I go again.

It's been a lonely adventure that I've had these past 4 months, possibly the longest holidays I've ever had in my life. Just too much time in my hands... it was incredible. I'm now willing to do something now for the sake of catching up with the time lost... well not really lost... but rather spent with the extreme of tranquility.

Of course, it has been four months of learning, failing and succeeding, a lot has happened. Now that I think of it, that's practically a third of a year gone by... wow. Time does go faster as one ages.

One thing however hasn't changed, since I was 15. Even since I was 15, I've always avoided February 14th like the plague. Surely, one day like this one is just like any other one. It's just that people are more aware of certain things. Those things are what grind my gears. People are always going "Wow St.Valentine's!! And.. uhm.. who are you gonna send a flower to.. dude?" And I'm like... "hmmmm I'm not really in the mood" or "I'm too poor to afford 'em".

バカメ！ That's just plain excuses. Surely, people out there, from my parents to girls who were completely mad about me, really wish the best for me, and I acknowledge it entirely. And I also acknowledge that I have failed them and myself. I've been unlucky to unwrap myself from the cages of my spirit which have prevented me from doing what is considered normal.. well normal is overrated.
What I mean is that the fact that I don't have a girlfriend right now means one thing. I'm still afraid of going towards the unknown. Surely, when one falls in love with someone, one is betting against all the odds and uncertainties that a relationship with another person may offer. When one is exposed in such away, completely open to the other person's will and power, that's when I get into trouble. I get into a conflict with my own personality and behavior that I suddenly recede from this world. Say, I shut off completely.

Hiding I guess?

"So hey, how's D going?"
"Hmmm. I don't know. He hasn't spoken to me today at all. He's acting very strangely lately."

It's a great deal of worry for me and for the people who have had a really deep look into my soul.
I've lost many awesome chances to be with great people. I've also lost some friendships that way.
You could say that in order to protect myself from pain, I accidentally hurt others intrinsically. But I intend to seek their care, their warmth, their love. However, the weapons that I have unconsciously spawned around myself to protect my integrity are what cause this problem. I am afraid of being hurt, and with the unknown surrounding the path ahead of me, I succumb to fear and recede, and the people that I intend to be closer with end up hurt. I become distant of what causes this uncertainty, that which really shakes up my mind and I try to run away of. In the end, two people end up with broken hearts with no reasonable explanation.
Hedgehog's dilemma.

The problem is, I simply have had no idea of the real nature of such unknown in them. I don't know their intentions.

Everybody has a universe inside them. Some are big, some are small. Some are in development, some are incredibly huge. When people connect, these universes mix with each other, like parallel universes that collide and unite. The outcome of this offers an infinite number of results.

I also have the problem of not having enough faith in other people.
And not having enough faith in myself. That's what really kills me.
I sometimes lack the courage, and despite it being a human thing to happen, it's just plain annoying.
There are so many things that could have happened during my life, despite it being just 20 years since my birth, that could have made my life so much more interesting, fun, perhaps even better, perhaps just worse.
Sometimes the decisions that me make, however small and insignificant, can have enormous repercussions in the future.

I just hope that one day, I will be able to break from this mistrust and fear that's caging me.

I just hope that one day, I will be able to pull myself together to bond with someone else.
I just hope that one day, I will be able to celebrate St. Valentine's Day just like everyone else, be normal I guess (normal is overrated). Then I can make other singles feel like squirming inside (mwahahaha).

Towards Valentine's

First post, yeah.


Valentine's has never actually been an event in the year that I have always looked forwards to. Ever since I was young (I'm not that old anyway), I clearly remember the pressure that everyone exerted into each other to express their feelings of love and compassion to other people. And whenever I was targeted, I would always lose.

However, this year it's different. Even though it is still the consumerist, money-spending-oriented day it is and has always been, this time I just see it as a day to give. And it is just that simple action, to give, that has really made me feel, probably for the first time, better and more positive about that day. Fourteenths of February are no longer days of social pressure.

Back at school, not too long ago, I was selling items for St. Valentine's, writing peoples' names down and that overused phrase the whole time. It was busy as hell, with teenagers taking the place of every observable space in front of me. To make it worse, I had only slept about 5 hours the night before, so my listening and writing skills were in someway impaired. But then this year 7 kid appeared out of nowhere behind me and hugged me. My state of exhaustion did not allow me to react to the kid, who was already running away as I took a quick glance at him. Never seen that kid before, must be new.

I wonder if he stole anything and hugged me to distract me





Last week I checked out an artistic experiment/experience in the CBD, namely at The Rocks. The Museum of Contemporary Arts (MCA) is hosting a project called Rider Spoke, made by the British art label/company Blast Theory.



The museum provides you a bike and a Nokia internet gadget and lets you lose on the city. You can go anywhere you want (can). The gadget then starts to "talk" to you, giving you instructions on how to play the game. The concept behind Rider Spoke is that bikers make recordings of their answers to the questions from the gadget in hiding places in the city. They can later hear other people's responses as they go through the city streets and alleyways. The questions given are quite personal, yet reflect the entire purpose of the game: build connections with other people in a wireless environment in the city. It is weird at first, but it becomes a rather inspiring and relaxing activity. Sydney CBD is such a good place to go bike riding. It's a shame that bike lanes abruptly finish everywhere you go.

I remember listening to a woman who promised (you promise to do something, anything, at the end of the session) to be less fearful in her life. I listened to another lady saying that she has a friend overseas that she talks to all the time about her daily doings and things (that made me contemplate about my own friends and networks as I approached the QVB..), and how strong their bonding is despite the great distance between them. It is warming to listen to other people about their own lives. This game has its confessional side as well, you are exposing more about your inner self to total strangers in the middle of a city. You remain anonymous, but nevertheless at least someone heard about your feelings, your thoughts.



You finish the session with such a feeling of relief and peace. Plus, you have just done about an hour of exercise!



For now,
happy St. Valentine's day

Take it easy