I've changed.

I don't seem to have the same spark that gave me the power that I used to posses back in first session of uni. Perhaps everything seemed very new to me back then and I had no idea of what was ahead of me. I took risks and took on adventures, like a little child exploring a new backyard. Heck, I fell in love, got fined, hurt myself, got sick and got drunk. I was very wild and happy back then.

And it was great! I met a lot of people and have made heaps of friends.
But when the session ended, everyone left college and I had to stay.
A whole month and a half on my own.

It was boring, and very lonesome.

And I've realized how this changed me.
I've become opaque, off-center, out of focus, gray and quieter. I don't talk to people the same way I used to do. And it seems that I stopped being friends with some people, and I really regret how that has turned out to be. It's just not fair how I've ended up treating people. They deserve more of me as a friend!
I'm not really happy with how my life is right this instant.

But it doesn't mean I'm going to stay like this forever.
Back then I could feel the potential of all my decisions. I could feel the future bending on my fingertips from the very mere change of mind. I could feel the electricity in the air from just being alive and having the ability at hand of being able to shape my future however I wanted.

And the ability is still there, all intact and perfectly functional.
But my senses are damped, I cannot feel it anymore. I cannot feel that sharpness in the air that gave me goosebumps and chills, and opened my eyes to all the endless possibilities ahead of me.
And it saddens me.

I might be a bit depressed, but it ain't anything too serious. I hope.
Just gotta keep carrying on, keep going 'til the show's over. This is just a little trough in my life-plane.
Winter's over, and spring is here, with summer on it's way.


Hey, you know what, fuck that shit, all of it. I ain't going to be restrained by the chains of my own moods. I ain't going to sit here just to contemplate and ponder on what could have been and didn't become true or real. I ain't going to let my own downwards inertia shut me into the darkness of my internal world, I've been there many times and it isn't pretty. It's time for me to come back!

Esta noche...

... rezaré.

¿Sabías que...

... todos nosotros estamos hechos de polvo estelar?

On humanity... and Earth

"So tall... and we built those things?!"

And so we did.

6.8 billion of us over 148,940,000 km^2.

And it's only been, what... 200,000 years?

And we are already sending people out in orbit around and out of our Pale Blue Dot.

And we are already driving our planet to destruction.

Who would have thought that we would even evolve in such a way in the cold vacuum of space?

Heck, who would have thought that we would even exist? For all that matters, Earth's own existence, our own existence and evolution, is a miracle.

It's always the same story, all the time

Well,
I believe I have put myself once again in doubt of myself.
What a neurotic, existentialist hedonist I am.

I guess I don't know where I'm heading to, what's my next step.

Of course, there was always a direction to go to. There was always an arrow pointing to the barren lands of Down Under, but once I got here and finally picked myself up from the shock of coming to these quirky lands, I am not sure where to go anymore.

The arrow should be pointing somewhere,
but I don't know where.
Heck, I can't even see if there is an arrow anymore.

Sometimes I get the feeling that my life will end soon.
It is not an expression of suicide, fear not. Please. Enough of that stuff anyway.
But I just can't imagine myself graduating from university. Or even getting my career on track, or even owning my own car and house. Getting married, having kids. Paying mortgage, paying debt (my worst nightmare). I just can't imagine myself doing it!
And I have this feeling that somewhere along the line, I will never get to do those things. It is foolish of me.

It sounds just weird, but I just wouldn't know how the hell to do things. I finally can drive legally (fuck yeah), and started uni, but there is just quite a range of things that are assumed as common for Australians of my age that I cannot even do, that I may have no idea about.

It's always been like that, even when I arrived here, I had no idea of how to deal with things, partly people, but mostly about how different things are run here. And I always feel disadvantaged in that respect.

And I know it's bitchy to comment on this sort of stuff online, and even specifically on my blog. But what the hell. That's the first thing I found when I came into my room. Gotta get my head a bit organized. Then I suppose I can sleep a bit better at night.

Me acuerdo...

muy bien de aquellos días que me parecían tan mundanos. Nunca pensé que llegaría a tales extremos del planeta, y que viviese todo lo que vivido aquí. Y yo que todos los días, de lunes a viernes, me fui por esta misma calle para crear el futuro que estoy viviendo tan intensamente en el presente. Ni idea tenía en aquel entonces.


Ver mapa más grande

A veces pienso que el pasado que tuve fue malo, y que por mis malos hábitos pasé una adolescencia muy limitada y lenta. Lo que nunca me imaginé es que por mis esfuerzos yo pudiera llegar a estas tierras lejanas, vivir como nunca y ser exitoso. Uno a veces no tiene idea del efecto que tienen nuestras decisiones hasta el momento en que llegan a toda potencia. Pues así es la vida.

Me pregunto...

Sé que cada una de nuestras acciones tiene un efecto, ya sea minúsculo o de gran magnitud, en el futuro.

Siento que algunas cosas que voy a hacer pronto van a cambiar el futuro.

Y de gran manera.

El problema es que mi mente se llenará de las casi infinitas posibilidades de cómo el futuro inmediato sucederá. Siento que mi cabeza va a explotar por sobrellenarse.

Sé que si todo resulta como todos deseamos, seremos felices. Y pasaremos todos un buen rato. Y en el futuro nos sentaremos a hablar sobre nuestro pasado y diremos: "Pues, estoy muy satisfecho y muy feliz por cómo resultó todo aquello, aquel momento, aquel instante en que me dijiste eso, o hiciste eso, en que todo el mundo cambió. Te lo agradezco sobremanera."

Sé que si no todo resulta como queríamos, aquello se establecerá permanentemente en nuestra memoria. Será como uno de aquellos recuerdos de tipo: "Oye, ¿te acuerdas cuando te dije eso? Me hubiera gustado si no hubiera hecho, o dicho, eso en ese momento, de tal manera. Lo siento.".

A veces puedo apreciar cómo las circunstancias del pasado llegan a colisionar en un mismo instante en el presente, y cómo pueden llegar a distorsionar el futuro completamente.

Lo que tenga que suceder, sucederá. No hay que temer.

There is one thing...

... that I haven't been able to do recently.

And that is, to take good pictures!

It's not that I'm a perfectionist, just that I want to take better pictures. : /
I'm still kind of experimental, but I want to get my photo-vibe back!

The real part, or the imaginary one?

I've got this friend of mine;

She's one of the most intelligent and curious persons that I've ever met. Living away from the CRAZY environment of college which I currently live in, she's pretty much the most dedicated person that I've come across these past months. I learn from her, almost everyday, of how I should be doing things, and of herself.

I guess I'm just blind, maybe I'm just too distracted. Maybe I'm just not doing things right. She seems to be way ahead of me. And I feel guilty.

People tend to call me wise (as a side comment to the fact that I'm ancient), and really smart. But I tend to digress. I am just too negative, and I think way too much, too far, for too long. And I feel guilty.

So then I ask to myself, just as my friend had pondered and expressed (and from which I further analyzed and thought about),
if we are in university, why not work as hard as we possibly can? We were chosen to be part of this great institution for the fact that we are either very hard-working or gifted, or both. It is a bit unnecessary to surrender at the thought that we are bad students, pick up our bags and leave, when we can always do better than we do now. But why revolve around the thought that we are bad students, given that we've gone so far from high school up to here? Of course, it will make us realize that we have made some mistakes along the way and need to catch up. But it is silly to think that, even if we are doing very well, or just well enough, we are still doing badly. Who really knows? The middle range between a bad and a good student is separated by many shades of gray, which are not completely defined however still distinct from the extremes of the domain. Let us stop for a minute, get ourselves rid of the wrong ideas, organize ourselves very precisely and work hard. Seriously, work hard. Because from the work that we do, we are able to move further ahead from the herd, and nibble from the fruits of success. If we trip along the way, we must pick ourselves from the floor, dust ourselves off and pick up speed again. Life and success are up for grabs, why not be the one who grabs them first? We can still work and study our asses off, have the greatest time of our lives, do many things, be employed, fall madly in love, meet new people, pick up a hobby, learn some new skills, and still have our slice of cake.

Nobody said that success came from slacking off.
In any case, what is there to lose? It will be just so much to think in the future that our past efforts really summed up and helped us reach to where we are and enjoy our time here on Earth, than to struggle continuously to the end of the rat race.

The problem is that I have quite a lot of inertia. I am quite lazy >:( and it angers me sometimes.

I thank that friend of mine. I sometimes feel humbled in her presence, for she is my inspiration.
And as I may have mentioned before (or have I not?), I tend to ponder about her quite often. Go ahead, think whatever you want regarding that last comment. I DARE YOU.

'Nuff said! IMMA CLEAN THIS MESS NOW

Los fantasmas me persiguen

There are ghosts of my past life still appearing in my present life.

My mind sometimes evokes them from what I see everyday. The people I talk to, the people I see, the things I hear, say and do. Those ghosts live shortly in my consciousness and eventually evaporate.

But on occasions, I actually come across them, in real life, on the way to a lecture, passing by me. I don't know if they notice me, in fact I don't really care if they do. I see them, and the devils inside me laugh. I'd be damned, sometimes life sucks when I remember stuff related to them. However, sometimes life is great when seeing them reminds me of good times. It really varies depending on who I see.

And then I realize just how meaningless it is to feel put down by the mere presence of some of those ghosts. Regardless of the past conflicts I may have shared with them, those people cannot beat me. It doesn't matter if they aren't actually there, within my field of vision, even if it's just a mirage or deja vu. My mind lives so far away from them already, that they can't do anything. But then, my mind sometimes shows out the burden of past experiences related to them, and I understand. Whatever happened, happened. But the scars will remain there.

I guess those ghosts will continue appearing as I go through the years, reminding me of the good and bad things of life. Telling me of my mistakes and successes. Showing me that the world is actually much more complicated than I ever imagined.

God bless those ghosts, for they have constructed the person that I am today.

Ghhrrrr!!!

Exams are coming soon, and I'm very worried!!
Specially physics, I'm really really screwed! X( But everything else is all right. I guess I'm just being too negative, and I'm drinking too much coffee, which makes me think even more negatively (and strangely as well)!

Oh, the vicious cycles I put myself into.



And I hate ads that come in my comments! Random people just come by to drop in an ad as a comment..why????? It's a good thing that I can moderate and delete comments as I please. But Blogger will never be as cool as WordPress anyway (why did I just say that?).

Bye for now, for I have plenty of work to do.

HMMMMM

Just about the only few things that currently bother me about blogging are:
> discovering ridiculous typos and bizarre grammar structure in previously submitted posts;
> writing huge posts of text with no images;
> the fact that I have to pay for uploading stuff, namely my pictures;
> that Blogger isn't WordPress.

Future post sneak-peek: The question with a complicated answer, Why do you blog?

On my dreams

Back in the day, I had this huge double bed (practically a queen size bed) with an electric blanket all for myself.
It was the best bed I had ever slept in in my life.
On that bed I witnessed the generation of streams of the most vivid, plentiful and beautiful dreams I ever had. I know that I can't remember most of my dreams, but I remember well those which shocked or amazed me. And some of those dreams that I had in that bed were good, or just plain weird that I remember them well.

Now I have a single bed.
I think its length is just a bit longer than my height, so my feet tend to stick out sometimes.
But I'm not sure if I'll have that same explosion of dreams again while I live here.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I just haven't been paying attention to the dreams that I've had, and forgotten most or maybe all of them. Maybe I haven't been sleeping right, or maybe not my required hours.

I'd like to have a really good dream one day of these.
Dammit, I feel like I'm getting sick.

Lonely was never the new dance party

I've come to realize something about my music collection.

During the four month holiday after the HSC, I spent most of the time on my own, working for a meagre amount of money every week and sometimes struggling to make ends meet. Those were desperate and dark times. Meanwhile, I started collecting music from a record label called Ghostly, whose most prominent artist, The Sight Below, I was quite interested in. Some months ago I wrote about this particular artist, about his strange blend of shoegaze harmonies and the consistent drum beat which made his songs have an up-beat feel to them, while at the same time containing a rather beautifully sorrowful song within.

Almost every time I listen to his music, now that I've started a new life here at university, I feel sad and highly contemplative on negative things. Would this be induced by the music's dark feel, or by the fact that I spent most of that period of solitude and darkness listening to such music? Nowadays, I try to not to play his music, fearing that I might return to my previous state. Regardless of that, I admit that his music isn't bad, it's quite an original repertoire of alternative-techno-ambient music. Now I'm just listening to new artists and getting immersed in new genres which I wasn't quite fond of before.

I am always surprised by the power of music.
How is it possible that bare mechanical energy that gets translated from sound to electrical impulses inside the brain induce someone to feel something he or she has never felt before?

Last night I went out with my college to a club. Although I had donated blood the other day, and I was not in a 100% condition to be involved in such activity, I was still able to party hard during the majority of the night. But my body succumbed to tiredness and ached. I looked authentically drunk: I was sweating real bad, my walking pattern was irregular, I couldn't stand straight. But I wasn't drunk at all! I had enjoyed being in company of such cool people and with such good music (it was ok) so much that my body just couldn't take it. I had such a great time.

It makes me ponder on how my music collection reflects on my emotions and thoughts, maybe even my past.
Right now, I've never felt so good, so happy, in my life. And the music that I'm coming across here in college is just great!! Good memories shall reside in the new collection I'm currently building.
This is just too good to be true.

Late night ranting

Hace unos días estuve conversando con una de mis amigas aquí en la universidad.
Tenemos la misma edad, ella me gana por algunos meses, pero ella ha estado en la universidad por bastante tiempo, prácticamente 4 años. Y yo acabo de empezar mis estudios aquí.
Es extraño.
Yo tuve que atrasarme un año y medio por motivo de las diferencias entre sistemas y años escolares. Además, el fin del bachillerato aquí es muy importante, así que quise estar lo más preparado posible. Mientras tanto, ella había terminado el bachillerato a muy temprana edad, y aún era una menor de edad cuando empezó la universidad (eso creo). Para describirla en pocas palabras, ella es muy buena onda, pero esta super ocupada.

En fin, le estaba hablando de cómo me sentía al principio de mis estudios universitarios.
Todo me parecía como un sueño: perfecto, con muchísima gente alrededor (en todos mis sueños siempre hay mucha gente), muy divertido pero con un reto que parece al principio ser enorme.
Todo me parecía demasiado perfecto, como si en realidad mis sueños de estar estudiando en la universidad se hubieran vuelto parte de mi realidad. Había estado esperando, preparándome, llenando formularios y circulares, mandando emails, haciendo llamadas, visitando embajadas, etcétera, todo para poder estar en tierra firme australiana, tener mi ciudadanía y estudiar en una universidad australiana.

Mis ojos se humedecían con el simple pensar que todo lo que había hecho anteriormente recreó la realidad que tengo ante mí, y que todo ese esfuerzo y paciencia en realidad valieron la pena. Finalmente, un ciclo largo y laborioso fue completado, y otro más está empezando.

Pero me puse a pensar de las consecuencias que también me trajo el ser un estudiante muy dedicado a mis estudios (ahorita estoy bastante desorganizado como para considerarme dedicado académicamente). Todos esos años como adolescente, teniendo y aprendiendo únicamente lo que la escuela me podía ofrecer, pero viviendo de manera solitaria y aislada, sí que han tenido su efecto en mi personalidad. Si te pudiera decir en resumidas cuentas qué fue lo que hice en todos esos años como adolescente fue simplemente ir a la escuela. Naa' más. Entonces, cuando llegué al continente oceánico, no tuve muchas habilidades sociales. Aún así me integré a la sociedad escolar y local muy bien, y aprendí bastante de mis errores y éxitos.

Admití que a veces me pongo a pensar de las cosas que posiblemente perdí viviendo de tal manera, ya sea ciertas experiencias, amistades y amores. Mi amiga me corrigió inmediatamente, diciéndome que era innecesario y ridículo que pensase tan negativamente ahora que estaba en un nuevo mundo. Que de aquella soledad y dedicación se creó la oportunidad de venir aquí a esta universidad y de convivir con tales amistosos y divertidos compañeros. Después de todo, estando ahí en la universidad se puede vivir más que nunca en cualquier marco de tiempo en cualquier otro momento de la vida.

Le sonreí en aquel instante.

Hace poco me dí cuenta de lo verdadero que es aquello que mi amiga me dijo.

Aún tengo que agradecerle por la plática que tuvimos, se me aclararon muchas cosas que llevaba en mi cabeza desde hace mucho tiempo. Me siento aliviado y sin remordimiento.

Sabes qué? Le voy a escribir una nota. Sé que está muy ocupada, pero ella tendrá tiempo como para leer algo breve. Lo pondré debajo de su puerta.

Por lo pronto, la vida va muy bien.
Espero que muy pronto pueda organizarme BIEN para mis estudios aquí, porque por el momento casi todo es un desmadre.
Buenas noches, mis queridos ciudadanos del mundo.

Call me crazy

There are instances when you just realize what you are doing, you stop and call it quits. There are other times when you just keep on going on, pressing on, until you get what you want despite the discouragement from other people or the environment.
There are times when you just go crazy. And not always because of something, but also perhaps by someone. (It may not be a bad thing anyway) [no tl&dr here]

It happened to me one day that I decided to meet a friend, call him J, after a lecture, while another friend of mine, call her N, went over to the university's library to do some work.

I couldn't find J anywhere, he was just nowhere to be found even though he had given me a precise place to find him. So then I decided to go back to N, who was at the library. She had told me that she was going to be at a corner, somewhere, doing her work. Fair enough, so I thought. The library has plenty of corners but it should be easy to find her among the books and computers.

But I was so wrong. The library is about ten floors high, each floor almost identical to the rest. The furniture, the color palette on the walls and furniture, the book stands, the computers, the windows; all of them identical, as if the architects did Ctrl-C Ctrl-V all throughout the building. I went through the first four floors, investigating and searching through every corner of each floor.

At the same time, I came across some friends who I worked with while in high school, some whom I hadn't seen in years. I spent a few minutes talking to them while my dizziness evened out. But once I got up to the fourth floor, my head was spinning. Fast and Hard. No pun intended.

With my body sweating, I decided to call it quits and went outside. The cool air refreshed my mind, and in my madness, I decided to do one final thing. If it didn't work, to hell with the world and all, I would just go to my dorm to drink some really cold water and have bite or something. But that madness, that little flickering flame engulfing my chest and burning my mind, told me to keep on searching, despite the ridiculously minuscule chances of actually finding her in one of the thousands of corners that the library has to offer throughout its many floors and chambers.

What the hell.. I said. Let's just do it.
I walked to the nearest elevator and pressed ten, the highest floor that the elevator could possibly take me to. The guys in the elevator where possibly wondering why I was squinting my eyes so hard, while I held my palm against my forehead during the entire ride. Meanwhile, in my mind, I was telling myself: DUDE, just lemme find her!! I'm almost out of my mind here!!

Tenth floor, my head still spinning, and I was the last person to leave the elevator. I was amazed that there were actually people up in that floor, minding their own business like normal library-users. I guess they might have been wondering why on God a short-haired guy decided to charge in and walk furiously through each of the corners of the highest floor in the library with apparently no purpose.

I kept on searching. Nothing. Nope. Not there. Not here either. Ohh.. maybe? Nope, not her.

Finally, I had inspected the whole floor, except for one bit.
In my mind, two processes were running: If I didn't find her I would just gotten the hell out of the building and never come back again. But if I did, I would have exploded and the Pope would have come by and call this a miracle.

And just guess what, just seriously, what kind of trick was being played on me? Like.. OH MY GOD.. WHYYYYYYYY??!?!!!
There she was, on the edge of the room, at the uppermost floor, silently doing her work with such unperturbed tranquility which is only replicated in art and silence. She seemed like one of the most serene persons I had ever seen in my life. Well, I'd be damned. I mean, there she was, 100% herself! No fakes, no copies, no nuthin'. And there I was standing there with a whirlpool in my head, sweating and my heart in my throat.

I double facepalmed myself, while my brain was being crushed by a hammer inside my skull. I wasn't angry at her, not at all, but I was rather amazed by my determination to find her. I swear, I didn't know that I had such in me. Normally, people would quit from the first floors. But no, I did quite a lot of search and played dice with my last floor search.


If that was an act out of craziness, then I surely must have gotten it wrong. Something besides that must have kept me going. Maybe I'm just waaaay too crazy? Seriously, something interesting developed right there.
As for now, good night to y'all, keep on rockin'.

Día de San Valentín

Wow, it's been more than a year since I started this blog. The first official post was here in http://counterdots.blogspot.com/2009/02/towards-valentines.html just a bit over a year ago.

It feels much more than that, more like two years.

And what an interesting coincidence that it's Saint Valentine's Day today, well maybe not a coincidence.
Maybe it's just Single Awareness Day.
Ugghh here I go again.

It's been a lonely adventure that I've had these past 4 months, possibly the longest holidays I've ever had in my life. Just too much time in my hands... it was incredible. I'm now willing to do something now for the sake of catching up with the time lost... well not really lost... but rather spent with the extreme of tranquility.

Of course, it has been four months of learning, failing and succeeding, a lot has happened. Now that I think of it, that's practically a third of a year gone by... wow. Time does go faster as one ages.

One thing however hasn't changed, since I was 15. Even since I was 15, I've always avoided February 14th like the plague. Surely, one day like this one is just like any other one. It's just that people are more aware of certain things. Those things are what grind my gears. People are always going "Wow St.Valentine's!! And.. uhm.. who are you gonna send a flower to.. dude?" And I'm like... "hmmmm I'm not really in the mood" or "I'm too poor to afford 'em".

バカメ！ That's just plain excuses. Surely, people out there, from my parents to girls who were completely mad about me, really wish the best for me, and I acknowledge it entirely. And I also acknowledge that I have failed them and myself. I've been unlucky to unwrap myself from the cages of my spirit which have prevented me from doing what is considered normal.. well normal is overrated.
What I mean is that the fact that I don't have a girlfriend right now means one thing. I'm still afraid of going towards the unknown. Surely, when one falls in love with someone, one is betting against all the odds and uncertainties that a relationship with another person may offer. When one is exposed in such away, completely open to the other person's will and power, that's when I get into trouble. I get into a conflict with my own personality and behavior that I suddenly recede from this world. Say, I shut off completely.

Hiding I guess?

"So hey, how's D going?"
"Hmmm. I don't know. He hasn't spoken to me today at all. He's acting very strangely lately."

It's a great deal of worry for me and for the people who have had a really deep look into my soul.
I've lost many awesome chances to be with great people. I've also lost some friendships that way.
You could say that in order to protect myself from pain, I accidentally hurt others intrinsically. But I intend to seek their care, their warmth, their love. However, the weapons that I have unconsciously spawned around myself to protect my integrity are what cause this problem. I am afraid of being hurt, and with the unknown surrounding the path ahead of me, I succumb to fear and recede, and the people that I intend to be closer with end up hurt. I become distant of what causes this uncertainty, that which really shakes up my mind and I try to run away of. In the end, two people end up with broken hearts with no reasonable explanation.
Hedgehog's dilemma.

The problem is, I simply have had no idea of the real nature of such unknown in them. I don't know their intentions.

Everybody has a universe inside them. Some are big, some are small. Some are in development, some are incredibly huge. When people connect, these universes mix with each other, like parallel universes that collide and unite. The outcome of this offers an infinite number of results.

I also have the problem of not having enough faith in other people.
And not having enough faith in myself. That's what really kills me.
I sometimes lack the courage, and despite it being a human thing to happen, it's just plain annoying.
There are so many things that could have happened during my life, despite it being just 20 years since my birth, that could have made my life so much more interesting, fun, perhaps even better, perhaps just worse.
Sometimes the decisions that me make, however small and insignificant, can have enormous repercussions in the future.

I just hope that one day, I will be able to break from this mistrust and fear that's caging me.

I just hope that one day, I will be able to pull myself together to bond with someone else.
I just hope that one day, I will be able to celebrate St. Valentine's Day just like everyone else, be normal I guess (normal is overrated). Then I can make other singles feel like squirming inside (mwahahaha).

Hitting rock bottom

I feel as if I left myself down.
I just injured myself today at work, pretty seriously but nothing life-threatening.
My infection has receded quite a lot but is still present within my system. It'll go away soon.

I just hope I can get myself out of this vortex of gloom and darkness that I have put myself into.

I'll keep pressing on! There's still way too much life ahead of me to surrender now!
See ya tomorrow.

La vi otra vez

Maldición.

Hoy la vi otra vez.
Esta vez estábamos más cerca que antes, como a menos de 6 metros de distancia.
Yo estaba preparando un paquete que iba a mandar por correo, cargándolo en una bolsa blanca grande de plástico.
Iba cruzando una calle y luego pasé a la esquina de un edificio.
Ahí fue cuando la vi.
En el transcurso de una diminuta fracción de un segundo mi mente empezó a mandar señales de emergencia.
No sé si me miró en aquel instante.
Dí un giro de 180 grados lo más rápido posible. Agarré la bolsa fuertemente con mi mano, con el corazón saliéndose de mi pecho y mi garganta hecho un nudo. No sé si estuve respirando, si acaso mis ojos estaban abiertos o si mis pies eran los que me estaban guiando sin control.
Caminé rápidamente hacia las escaleras eléctricas más cercanas.
No entiendo por qué lo hice.

No tengo idea si ella tiene odio hacia mí.
No sé si tiene curiosidad por saber del por qué me olvidé de ella, del por qué nuestros planes de andar juntos simplemente se desplomaron silenciosamente en el misterio.
La última vez que hablamos fue en octubre, hace un chingo de tiempo.
No he vuelto a dirigirle la palabra desde entonces. La he checado en su cuenta de Facebook, aún me tiene como amigo, pero no nos hemos comunicado de ninguna manera últimamente.

Pero lo que me mata es el remordimiento.
Ya lo he mencionado en un post anterior, pero siento que la he traicionado de alguna manera.
Quizás me traicioné a mi mismo.

Y sí, debería confrontarla y decirle la verdad de lo que siento.
No es que la odie, no es que no me guste.
En parte temo de lo que ella piense. Temo que me destruya.
Pero no puedo poner en un enunciado lo que yo siento. Es oscuro y difícil de interpretar.
¿Por qué le tengo tanto miedo?
¿Acaso tengo miedo de desarrollar una amistad con alguien como ella?

Sí que estoy hecho un desmadre por dentro.



Estoy prácticamente curado hoy. Aún seguiré con el tratamiento para asegurarme que el cabrón haya desaparecido. Vaya, esta es la primera vez que uso un lenguaje tan florido como este. Se siente muy extraño.

Awesome find...

///I know it has been more than a month since Christmas, but here it goes anyway. This is perhaps the most beautiful thing I've heard in quite a long time.///



These past months I've been living through a personal process of self-revelation, discovering the bright and dark sides of my personality and my bonds with the people that I know, love and hate.

Living on my own has given me a lot of time and space to reflect on my own being, as an entity of an ever-changing universe who happened to land luckily on the Pale Blue Dot suspended on a beam of sunlight we call Earth. And boy I'm happy of being here. :)

Naturally, it's been a hurdle to pull myself together now that everything is up to me. Everything. And that's where it gets interesting, because I suddenly realize the actual weight that my decisions have on the many aspects of my life. A single expression can change an emotion, a single handshake can strengthen a friendship, a single glance towards a beautiful person can create a new relationship. And all of those can have so many effects on my life in the future.

Sadly, I've come to realize how my own inertia (I'm a lazy person, I have to admit it) has held me from doing the things that now I wish I could have done. Nearly at 3 months after the HSC, I realize of the mistakes I have committed. I abandoned two friends that I saw as possible chances to have an intimate relationship with. I screwed up. I didn't get a scholarship to aid me through this tough first year at university, I was doubtful of my own ability as a human being when applying for them. One of the biggest scholarship programs had a ranking that I was predicting not to reach, partly because of fear of success, partly because I was unsure of how I could even do such an amazing thing. It turned out that my ranking was considerably higher than that threshold, so I missed out on such a huge opportunity. Shit, I screwed up. Now, I hope I can force myself not to commit such pathetic mistakes, for the sake of my life.

But at the same time, I realize just how fortunate I am. Firstly, I have successfully completed the HSC, which I had feared to be the biggest and most horrifying thing to happen to me in High School: super hard exams, incredibly awful stressing, just freaking out. It turned out to be quite a challenge, but far from being the nightmare I had imagined. Actually, I survived victoriously. Knowing that I came from a dark third world country into the wide blue yonder and do so well means so much for me, I feel so much more fortunate. I guess, more special. And now I'm going to study in university here in Australia. Superb!

I guess that there are always ways to counter some of the mistakes that I have done.
I guess that I can still have a wonderful life regardless of the silly mistakes that I make (it truly depends on the severity of those mistakes of course).
I guess I need to get out more often >_<