Día de San Valentín

Wow, it's been more than a year since I started this blog. The first official post was here in http://counterdots.blogspot.com/2009/02/towards-valentines.html just a bit over a year ago.

It feels much more than that, more like two years.

And what an interesting coincidence that it's Saint Valentine's Day today, well maybe not a coincidence.
Maybe it's just Single Awareness Day.
Ugghh here I go again.

It's been a lonely adventure that I've had these past 4 months, possibly the longest holidays I've ever had in my life. Just too much time in my hands... it was incredible. I'm now willing to do something now for the sake of catching up with the time lost... well not really lost... but rather spent with the extreme of tranquility.

Of course, it has been four months of learning, failing and succeeding, a lot has happened. Now that I think of it, that's practically a third of a year gone by... wow. Time does go faster as one ages.

One thing however hasn't changed, since I was 15. Even since I was 15, I've always avoided February 14th like the plague. Surely, one day like this one is just like any other one. It's just that people are more aware of certain things. Those things are what grind my gears. People are always going "Wow St.Valentine's!! And.. uhm.. who are you gonna send a flower to.. dude?" And I'm like... "hmmmm I'm not really in the mood" or "I'm too poor to afford 'em".

バカメ！ That's just plain excuses. Surely, people out there, from my parents to girls who were completely mad about me, really wish the best for me, and I acknowledge it entirely. And I also acknowledge that I have failed them and myself. I've been unlucky to unwrap myself from the cages of my spirit which have prevented me from doing what is considered normal.. well normal is overrated.
What I mean is that the fact that I don't have a girlfriend right now means one thing. I'm still afraid of going towards the unknown. Surely, when one falls in love with someone, one is betting against all the odds and uncertainties that a relationship with another person may offer. When one is exposed in such away, completely open to the other person's will and power, that's when I get into trouble. I get into a conflict with my own personality and behavior that I suddenly recede from this world. Say, I shut off completely.

Hiding I guess?

"So hey, how's D going?"
"Hmmm. I don't know. He hasn't spoken to me today at all. He's acting very strangely lately."

It's a great deal of worry for me and for the people who have had a really deep look into my soul.
I've lost many awesome chances to be with great people. I've also lost some friendships that way.
You could say that in order to protect myself from pain, I accidentally hurt others intrinsically. But I intend to seek their care, their warmth, their love. However, the weapons that I have unconsciously spawned around myself to protect my integrity are what cause this problem. I am afraid of being hurt, and with the unknown surrounding the path ahead of me, I succumb to fear and recede, and the people that I intend to be closer with end up hurt. I become distant of what causes this uncertainty, that which really shakes up my mind and I try to run away of. In the end, two people end up with broken hearts with no reasonable explanation.
Hedgehog's dilemma.

The problem is, I simply have had no idea of the real nature of such unknown in them. I don't know their intentions.

Everybody has a universe inside them. Some are big, some are small. Some are in development, some are incredibly huge. When people connect, these universes mix with each other, like parallel universes that collide and unite. The outcome of this offers an infinite number of results.

I also have the problem of not having enough faith in other people.
And not having enough faith in myself. That's what really kills me.
I sometimes lack the courage, and despite it being a human thing to happen, it's just plain annoying.
There are so many things that could have happened during my life, despite it being just 20 years since my birth, that could have made my life so much more interesting, fun, perhaps even better, perhaps just worse.
Sometimes the decisions that me make, however small and insignificant, can have enormous repercussions in the future.

I just hope that one day, I will be able to break from this mistrust and fear that's caging me.

I just hope that one day, I will be able to pull myself together to bond with someone else.
I just hope that one day, I will be able to celebrate St. Valentine's Day just like everyone else, be normal I guess (normal is overrated). Then I can make other singles feel like squirming inside (mwahahaha).